Whinge, whinge, whinge.
It’s no good – I’m still feeling a bit down in the dumps. Last night I ended up ranting about lost dungarees (two pairs thereof), a lost hat (which I knitted, last winter, and which I’m very attached to, not least as it’s the first hat I managed which really worked, and it involved Noro yarn), general housework dudgeon, and the overwhelming feeling of never managing to finish anything.
To wit:
- housework;
- hunts for something-or-other I’ve misplaced;
- sorting out what the hell to do about my mother’s piano (currently being ‘rented’, where ‘rented’ = the rentee isn’t paying the money, and nor is she returning my calls, and I’m worried that when I do finally manage to contact her, she’ll tell me she doesn’t want the piano any more, which leaves me scrabbling around trying to re-home it, which is, frankly, a daunting prospect);
- the copy-editing I’ve got to do;
- the tax return I need to complete;
- the huuuuge list of crafty things which my brain tells me must be done if I am to attain the status of A Good One (mother, wife, general human being);
- the tiling I started weeks ago, which I’ve yet to finish because the next bit involves a tile cutter and I feel as if I need a longer stint at it than the small person’s snooze allows.
ARGH.
I just want to clear the decks, start again, have some energy, and I’m not really sure where to start, or why I’m feeling this so aggressively at the moment. The small girl is sleeping more consistently than she ever has, and generally life is good, if rather disorganised. We even came up with a solution to me ending up doing the grocery shopping every week (which gets a bit dull after a while); it involves Quercus going once every other week, and us getting a delivery of shopping in the off weeks. The irony? I haven’t sat down and done the ordering part, which means it’s not going to happen this week. It’s partly lack of time, but I’m aware that it’s also partly lack of enthusiasm – the time I do have free is very short, and largely in the evenings, when all I seem capable of is sitting, lump-like, on the sofa. I was going to say ‘all I want to do’ there, but the truth of it is that that’s really not the case; what I want to do is spring, gazelle-like, into action, a flurry of knitting, baking, creative, productive energy.
The small girl’s bedtime routine is fairly settled, but I am struggling to keep on top of it, to keep things on track, and she is going to bed probably a half-hour later than is ideal for her; we are not routine people in that this is a pattern which has been largely developed by her, and which we merely facilitate because it seems to suit her (and us, normally), but a half-hour is a big deal when you’re only twenty-six months old, and I feel shifty that her teatime often seems to be a scrabbling of frantic realisation that I have yet to start our dinner off, which means an even later meal than normal, and I just seem to be disorganised all the time. I want to sit down with her, and talk to her, perhaps while knitting, while she eats; I feel very strongly that it’s important that mealtimes are convivial, relaxed and communal. Don’t get me wrong: I am always in the room with her, and I do talk to her (and she to me, increasingly), but I am not able to give her my full attention because I’m normally surveying the three hundred things which still need doing, or which I’ve overlooked earlier in favour of a short stint online.
Our evening meal has slipped backwards so that we rarely sit down before eight o’clock, which, for me, means a very short evening afterwards, and a going to bed which feels hasty and anti-climax-like because I feel cheated of a Proper Evening, one in which Things Were Achieved. Also, increasingly, we’ve been sitting there, watching some load of rubbish on the Beeb’s iPlayer rather than eating at the table, and that normally means that we don’t clear up the kitchen after eating, and a daisy-cutter effect is thus encountered first thing in the morning, which doesn’t exactly set one up for the day, shall we say.
So, my plan is that today, when the small girl sleeps, rather than either sleeping myself (which, tempting though it is, doesn’t actually help my mood, really, and is so short as to be almost worse than not sleeping, sometimes), I will devise a cunning and rapid dinner for adult consumption, and I will have a tidy-up around the house as well as thinking of something creative to do with the small girl when she gets up (it’s very wet here today, so our default of going for a walk in the fields is probably not on the cards). Once that’s done, I will sit and cast on something knitting-wise; perhaps having started a project, it will seem easier to pick it up and get on with it in the evenings.
I am also declaring a fatwa on both Facebook (which in lots of ways I abhor) and shitty televisual programmes; after all, we got rid of our TV for just this reason, and both felt much happier in its absence. It’s so easy to waste your sodding life away while sitting there, watching some bloater cooking something you’re not remotely interested in, for someone you’ve never heard of, in a restaurant the prices of which you find morally offensive, or to read the profile of some friend-of-a-friend you’ve either never met or can’t actually recall either way while pondering their intense love of poodle crochet classes and upscale wheelbarrow decorating. In short, why am I doing this? This is not what life should be about. It’s not a lesson I want to teach the small girl, and it’s certainly not helping me or Quercus. It’s procrastination on a scale I’ve not encountered since my PhD days, when whole days passed with only a sense of increased desperation to show for them, and when I came to realise that if I don’t do things, I only feel worse for it. And if I’m not happy, our whole house suffers for it: the cooking gets crapper (with attendant guilt), the washing mounts up, the bedtimes get later, and poor Quercus gets that slightly hunted look which speaks of ‘she cannae take nae more, Cap’n – she’s goin’ee blow!’.
So, today, I will rip that sodding plaster off instead of picking nervously at the edges, and by god, I will take control of things, and get the fuck on with them. No pissing about online (and no, blogging, which has a tangible and cathartic result, does not count), and no sitting there feeling sorry for myself, and no despairing over The State Of This Fucking Place. Just progress, and creativity, and thus Ordnung.
And you? What are your frustrations in life at the moment, and how are you going about overcoming them (or procrastinating your way around them)?
Sadly mine are all beyond my control (mostly the health/deaths of other people, which, in a good/bad way has provided me with a lot of perspective on what’s important).
Tax return doesn’t need doing until 31st January if you do it online and 31st October if you do it on paper.
Good luck with the re-ordering.
Online shopping really doesn’t take that long and once it has been done a few times you have a saved list of things you buy to be tinkered with. I only do it every few months myself (mainly to restock the freezer: we have a smashing farm shop run by lovely people which is a joy to visit, so we do that instead; also a weekly village farmers’ market) but if I never do another “big shop” round an actual supermarket again, that suits me fine. I am *great* at casting stuff on, having at last count 4 works-in-progress; the only time I sit and knit is when watching telly so I allow myself that. Though we never watch cooking shows, “reality” shows or anything of that ilk – just starting season 5 of the wire, which is fantastic! Re mealtimes: can’t you all eat the same thing, if not at the same time, so you only have to cook once? I couldn’t bear having to cook for the kids then turn round and make something for us on a daily basis – I do it occasionally. We are similarly rubbish at clearing up after tea though and I hate coming down to it in the morning also.
BW: I’m going for the online version, and telling myself it will be done by the half-term of the Christmas term.
Lisa: I know – I really need to get the online thing sorted and yes, once a month would be lovely. There aren’t really do-able farm shops here (at least in terms of price!) so it’s going to need to be more frequent than that, but at least now we have storage sorted in the kitchen, one bulk shop a month might get to be feasible in conjunction with a decent garden set-up next year. We’ll see.
Please don’t swear in your comments to me EW
Have you tried Aldi for basics? Much, much cheaper than anywhere else and the quality (IMHO) is at least as good. As there are fewer lines on the shelves, it takes much much less time to get round, and the cashiers are quick, polite and you know exactly what you’re getting int he way of extra services (ie nothing, so it doesn’t take up time!). And they have lots of gardening/tool bargains (don’t tell Q re the cheap tools and refill blades etc…) on Thursdays and Sundays (and in between if they are left over). With the exception of nice oils and similar, at this time of year when the garden is in full production, I rarely use Sainsbury’s (although I do buy big bulk of loo rolls, cat food, and the like in Costco every couple of months).
This all feels uncomfortably familiar. Domesticalia has been getting on top of me lately. Along with all the juicy ideas I am harbouring for some Future Moment when they will somehow be made flesh.
I tend to be a bandaid ripper most of the time. But I just get a bit manic. Every week or so I bite the bullet and go like the clappers to get organised, subdue the chaos and force down the lid on the scary box procrastination. I hate to say it though, I just end up tired and wondering what it all meeeeans?
Ahem. Forgive me. I am actually becoming quite unhinged by the relentlessness of obligations, so I’m sorry if I only aggravate what you’re already feeing. Hardly cheering right now, me.
I second a fatwa on FB. I swear it makes me seethe and generally feel untoward. As well it being a complete time sink-hole.
Taking control will make all the difference. While you’re in determined/bloody-minded mood, you’ll get on and do things and once you’ve caught up a bit, you’ll feel better about it all. As for the bedtime, I think you’ll naturally bring it forward as the evening get dark earlier. After all you completed the PhD against all the odds – you’ll feel good once you’ve achieved some progress.
As for me, I’m trying not to do much work. It’ll all hit me again soon enough in September and August is my month off. In theory.
Procrastinating. Utterly and shamefully procrastinating. Currently this includes:
The tedious updates I need to do for work. Lots of them
Email (four, FOUR addresses!!)
The online course I signed up for as it was going to be nicely flexible. Yah.
Properly doing the floor and not just whizzing around a damp mop
Making that damn appointment already
Sorting out the horrible back yard
Doing the shopping I’ve now put off for three days
making meaningful contact with a number of people I should really like more than I do
Actually starting those things I truly want to do but haven’t even begun.
Sigh.
Go for it!! Take controll again of your daily life.
Last days I am feeling restless, wanting to start things, but not putting it through. Perhaps it has to do with the change of season, I feel fall is on its way, but I don’t want to loose that summer feel yet. It makes me feel undecided.
Goodluck with sticking to your plans
I threw two wooden frog-shaped occarinas at my sister this morning, whilst shouting at her to stay the fuck away from my family, if that makes you feel any less shite.
the turn of summer to autumn always makes me sleepy–so for the first week that’s what i do. currently procrastinating: german studies, exercise routines, dusting. excuse? my daughter wants a cross-stitch project done for a friend *now*.
Now just look at how long I’ve spent reading this blog and the comments (and all the other ones before that) and not getting on with the jobs that really need doing, specifically the website which is so very nearly there, until I tried it on a different size screen and it all went wrong. And then there’s the hoovering which hasn’t been done since – well I can’t even remember. And I don’t even want to think about all the other undones.
But truth is, it’s the first step that counts – once you’ve started to do something it gets much easier to carry on.
Now if I could just get off this here internet, I’d be fine.
Wow… that post was… well, it sounded exactly like my life (minus the witchling and the shopping, I don’t have kids and I kinda enjoy shopping). I’ve been procrastinating big time, both at home and at work. All I want to do is create art and even that I’m having problems fitting in.
I would love to blame someone (not me) for this, but that would just exaggerate the problem. It just seems that all would be easier if I had more energy, or perhaps I would have more energy if I got on top of things…
Current “issues:”
* Work: The endless paperwork mountain that is growing much quicker than I can defeat it. Which is why I’m still in the office. Working. Er… *sigh*
* The house: Oh dear lord, the house. Last night, I cleaned the bathrooms, ruthlessly weeded out the kids bookcase at the top of the stairs which was in serious danger of collapse and tilting at a most Pisa-esque angle, and cleaned the kitchen (excluding the floor.) Oh, and hoovered upstairs. Well, bits of the upstairs. Still to do: Everywhere else. J’s room alone sent me fleeing. Having said that, the kids are in the UK with their grandparents this week so Now Is The Time. In addition, there’s a bed to be taken to the dump (not in any state to be resold) and a bag of books for the recycling centre.
* The car: Needs to be taxed by the end of the month, needs to be excavated/cleaned internally, and needs several jobs doing outside. Then it needs to be serviced, NCT’d and, for preference, sold so that I can purchase something of a similar vintage that is a little less thirsty.
* The garden: Half of the hedge cutting in the front garden is done, and the back garden is much clearer thanks to TRM having a bit of a moment there a couple of weeks ago. Now needs industrial strength weed-killer to be doused liberally over the patio and surrounding areas, and the skip-bags emptied at the tip.
* Children back to school next week which means that things have to be definitely more organised. Mainly, though, I need to be more organised so that I can get up earlier with a minimum of pain.
There’s nothing major on my list – it just feels like a lot. Specially when all I want to do is curl up with a book and/or hibernate a little early.
Who are these people who are on top of things? Sounds like none of us have the (surplus) energy to achieve, well anything much.
Procrastinating around it, definitely. Moving house from Brussels to Manchester – by train – tomorrow. Aside from packing-related stress, this means that the multipage to-do list of stuff I needed to sort, do, finish etc will be left here, to greet me joyfully when we return. This will not, of course, prevent them from weighing on my mind.
However, there will be an OVEN in Manchester, which will enable cake-baking and an attempt at bread AT LAST!!
so shall i not bother asking….. how about relaxation, simplicity, letting go? telling the I Must Achieve shadow to go fuck itself. they’re options.
Is there any way you could all eat together? We had a phase of all eating at 5.30 – even now it’s generally by 6pm. Various people were faintly appalled that we ate so early, but it means that once the children are in bed the evening is ours and eating and washing up are done. It does rely on nobody working late or having a long commute though.
Goodness me, I could have written that! Thomas is rarely asleep before 9(!!!) as that’s what suits him but I sooooo want my evenings to do stuff. Instead I spend the hour or so I do get in front of the TV or on the internet or on the laptop trying and failing to catch up on the work I feel I should have done during the day. OK, so now I’m just repeating your post in a more garbled way so I’ll stop now. I think I might join you in your quest to take control…
Oh I definitely empathize with much of what you’ve said. Now that I am on my second child I have recognized that, as the child becomes easier to take care of (sleeping better is a big one) I get correspondingly more tetchy. I start to want to get stuff done. But it’s a bit of a misguided urge in that I am still very busy with child-related tasks; just not quite as busy as before. So maybe that is what is happening with you. It is almost like a fundamental physical shift, not at the conscious level even, just a driving urge to finally get all those things done that you haven’t had time to do.
But, then, also, you (the universal you) are also incredibly drained from the child care and the housework and everything else you have been juggling, and you really need a rest, and so even if you have the time, you aren’t able to bring yourself to do all those things, often, because you’re exhausted and just need some time for yourself to fart around. When I’ve had free moments of late sometimes I even spend them just lying there and staring at the ceiling because that’s what I really want to do the most: just exist, not *do* anything; even the fun hobbies I normally enjoy.
Maybe I’m projecting a bit but it felt like I could have written much of your post myself; you describe so well my experience of the past few weeks! (I am also glad to read petoskystone’s comment, as I have been strangely, overwhelmingly tired recently and have finally pegged it on the change of seasons.)
It would probably be easier on you to eat dinner earlier. This has been a long-term struggle for me, although I have made inroads: I have put together a list of simpler universal favorites that don’t take too long to make but with which I can still be happy; that helps. So does occasional take-out and leftover eating, or really simple things like packaged veggie burgers or salads. I still find myself rushed but not as miserably so. When the kids eat earlier they’re also less awful at the end of the day, so that’s an incentive!
Mon makes the best point of all though. Be gentle on yourself. It may feel otherwise, but motherhood and the attendant Things To Do are not easy. They’re very hard and often draining. Give yourself a break–you’re already doing a lot!
A big, fat, steaming ditto from me. How do other people find it so easy to get things done? I had big plans for this weekend, but all it has come down to is cooking madeleines for the first time (good) and using a smidgen of the vast quantities of courgette to make a courgie and goats cheese pie thing (v. good), weeding the raspberry cage (good but not bloody finished). The rest of the time I sorted laundry, cleaned the kitchen over and over again and rowed with my husband. How do other people manage to fit the housework (childcare, diy etc) in so effortlessly? I think I’m lacking a gene…