good luck with the reasoning it out. i find none of mine mind sharing the attention 88% of the time and then for the remaining 12% they each demand it loudly and equally….

Z: that’s it, I suppose – the being an only child thing. I think I’d have liked siblings closer to my own age, and lots of people with that situation tell me how wonderful it is, but then there’s a part of me which can’t help thinking of the all the attention that will be diverted from the small girl into another child, and feeling a bit shifty… I don’t know. But I do know that I would be very sad if I found tomorrow that I could never have another child, so I’m concentrating on that, if my diffuse mood can be called concentrating.

I say nothing, as she hasn’t asked. I wouldn’t really want to be an only child, myself. I don’t think I’d have minded as a child, but later and now I’m very glad to have a sibling. But then we get on. Not all do. Sorry darling – but whatever decision you make, or whichever way it pans out, you will make the best of things, because one does.

BW: well, I think opinions vary on the weaning issue; I have some friends who’ve successfully taken the tandem feeding route, and some who weaned in pregnancy without a hitch. I guess I’d just have to see what felt right for all of us, at the time.

mel: I think I remember reading somewhere that either about 18 months or over 3 years turns out well, gap-wise, because of the first child’s development of a sense of individuality (or lack thereof!). Sounds like it worked well for you, anyhoo. And yes, I definitely like your tactic of the baby bits all together – though I love babies, I do not love the lack of sleep which we experienced with the small girl, and, not wanting to tempt fate, I’d have to assume it would be similar second time around, I think, just so I brace myself, as it were.

OverWyreGrower: yup – debating about having a baby is a big thing if you’re prone to navel-gazing, which, obviously, I am. Hope you manage to do whatever makes sense to you both – for us, it was a huge decision, but the best we’ve ever made (beyond choosing each other, that is).

Megan: that’s a very good point, about the person you’re thinking of as an interloper – when I was pregnant, I did worry a bit that the incoming baby would seem like a distraction from time we were used to spending Together. As soon as she arrived, of course, that all just disappeared, but somehow I appear to have slipped back into it when thinking about a second child… And yes, again, to the constancy of chaos – I can’t imagine that it’s going to change, if I’m honest, any time soon…

Allotmentqueen: the trouble is, I am just not That Person. I can’t just throw caution to the wind on this one; I need to feel that it’s Right, even if the timing isn’t certain. It’s just too big a deal to not, for me, though I know what you mean – have often thought that if I just found I was pregnant, the question would be answered.

Mon:

GoodTwin: ‘far too many variables’ is it. Part of me knows I ought to stop thinking about it and just wait until it feels – if not right, then righter. Meh. We’ll see.

Laura: … which is exactly the sort of story which makes me think I should just get the hell on with it and be thankful that I am in a position to do so. Thank you for telling me.

Nettles: there is no straightforward answer, I think. Winning the lottery would help, but short of that… Good luck with your thinking.

petoskystone: maybe I just need to rediscover the inner zen? Oh, and lose the outer excesses…

Amanda: I guess it’s often the way. That notion of a ‘schedule’ is a bastard, isn’t it? When you find you’re not on track, you start questioning and wondering if you shouldn’t feel different and whatnot; try as I might, though, it’s only now that I can contemplate the idea of a second child without the overwhelming emotion being ‘you must be kidding!’. I guess more sleep has helped enormously with that, as well as having a house which is no longer quite the hovel it once was.

Life also so rarely looks how we imagine it will. I hope your sign comes and you’re listening carefully (it does sound like you’re already straining to hear, so I’m sure you’ll “know” when the time is “right”!).

It’s a tricky decision. It just is. Our modern reality dictates that in so many ways. I don’t believe there is ever a perfect or even right time. Just that some times are more right than others. Possibly. Also, that level of exhaustion, once experienced, is hard to return to – *on purpose* – heheh. And personally, I’m very idealistic, and could never approach the issue pragmatically as something to just go and get done. Into the breach and all that. I have to feel the same way about it as I did the first time around. But from what I hear, that’s hardly ever the case. My dilemma has also been tinged by wondering if my ambivalence would be a betrayal of the second child, loving that child less somehow. Although, ultimately that’s quite irrational and the love would as likely be just as strong and real as for the first.

For me, now, I’m asking myself if I would regret not having another child. Trying to see the overarching shape of my life, (which is hard when I haven’t lived that next bit yet!). I think there is a natural sadness when one’s reproductive years are winding down, (and yours are obviously not yet), but regret is a whole other bag to be dealing with. I don’t want to be 50 looking back and wondering why on earth I didn’t have another child. But that’s still not an answer, I realise. It’s just the dilemma I’m faced with currently.

All the best with your decision EW.
((hugs))

A friend had her two 15 months apart (very little planning went on there, I have to add) but the boys couldn’t be closer; the elder didn’t seem to resent anything about the younger’s arrival and now at 6 and 7 they’re terrific friends.