Just a quick rant. Honest. Actually, that’s a total lie. This is Nappy Rash: The War Years. And it’s really, really, really dull. Even to me. So I’ll completely understand if you don’t read along, chaps, but please understand, I’m SO DISAPPOINTED TO BE WRITING THIS. So. Disappointed. 

Sodding, sodding nappies. Yes, the clue is in the post title, really.

We’ve been using Tots Bots cloth nappies (and waterproof wraps, together with fleece breathable wraps overnight, and bamboo nappies for their absorbency) on the witchling since she was about three months old. For the first couple of months, all was glorious: no leaks, no extra purchases, no disposables chucked in the landfill. Then the nappy rash arrived. And lo! all was shite. Shite, I tell you. Since then, we have tried the following – quite ludicrously long – list of solutions, none of which has worked:

Changing detergent (we have tried bio, non-bio, eco-friendly, none-eco-friendly, and different brands of each permuation);

Different wash temperatures (before the rash set in, we were washing them at thirty degrees; I’ve even tried a ninety-degree cycle in case there was something sinister in the leg elastics, but to no avail)

Using nappy sanitiser or not (again, two different sorts);

Adding white vinegar/not adding white vinegar;

Nappy-free time;

Different wipes recipe (normal is camomile tea with honey; have tried no honey, no camomile, lavender oil, tea tree oil, calendula tincture, plain ol’ water, and bicarb);

Wool wraps (so far, complete disaster; despite lanolising three times, this one leaked like a sieve today – as if someone had poured water on my lap. I also have concerns about the warmth of them – they are, after all, wool, and it’s bloody hot here at the moment. Then I have subsidiary concerns about the size of the blighter; the right size according to the manufacturer is HUGE, and thus not very snug-fitting, which raises questions about the leaking, and also about the hotness of wearing them… And so the long day wears on…);

Fleece wraps (which I love love love – jazzy patterns, no leaking, and I think a less sore bot, but not less sore enough, if that makes sense);

Fleece liners (though possibly not constantly enough; we’ve only got a couple and perhaps you need to use them all the time; trouble is, where do you draw the line re expenditure? We’ve now spent a fucking fortune trying to sort this out, and we’ve got nowhere – I thought the woe of thinking about nappy purchases ended when we bought the sodding nappies. Little did I know that the best was yet to come…);

Knitted raw silk liners (made no difference, and she actually looked worse in the morning, as you’re advised to use them without a barrier cream in order that the silk is in direct contact with the affected area);

Creams, lotions and potions (so far: Kamillosan; Sudocreme, Bepanthen, Metanium, vaseline, zinc & castor oil cream, homemade beeswax balm [which is as effective as anything, I find, and provided Quercus with a handy finishing balm for the wooden animals he made for the tiny daughter's birthday], thrush creams [Canestan and Daktarin; the first made virtually no difference (or at least the difference could as easily be explained by our doing a stint in disposable nappies in despair), while the second brought her out in a bright sunburn-like rash], Hypercal lotion (calendula and hypericum, in other words), calendula tincture, and, finally, I think, aloe vera lotion);

Disposables (the only thing which appears to make any difference at all; the rash clears up mostly on her bot, but remains on the area where the elastics of the nappies and wraps go. This makes me think that there’s something in the nappies, but WHAT? WHAT CAN IT BE, for the love of all that’s holy? I mean, it’s withstood boil-washes and more detergents than you can shake a large stick at, as well as TRIPLE RINSING, so it’s not sodding detergent overload, either. WHAT ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, I ask?).

In short, we have changed everything apart from the baby. I am now at the point where I am wondering when enough is enough. I mean, we really, really wanted to do the ‘right’ thing. The thing that means no landfill, and a more natural childhood for the tiny daughter, with nice natural fabrics and nice gentle detergents, and lots of nice gentle line-drying. Instead, the only thing we’re getting is a bright red bot which peels eventually because it gets that sore (at which point I end up buying some supposedly eco-friendly disposables, feeling really pissed off about doing so because I really like our fucking useless cloth nappies but I’m unable to leave her sore when the dispoable, kill-the-planet-why-don’t-you nappies seem to help). 

Oh, and did I mention that I think the nappy bill is now about £300, all told? That would have been a shedload of disposables, wouldn’t it? And yes, I know all the numbers quoted for the cost of nappies per child. I have never quite worked out how they arrive at the sums they give; we worked it out for ourselves the other week and man, it was depressing. Our figures suggested we’d be saving, overall, about £200. Frankly, at the moment, I’d've paid the £200 up-front to avoid thinking about all this for so long, and to avoid her having such horrible rash. 

Balls, balls, balls. 

Please tell me that the guru of nappies is out there, and will make it all better in the comments box?